Nightmares, baby's first gift, planning my move...

Good morning! =) September is almost over, and in a few days, I will officially be entering my third lunar month of pregnancy, according to my pregnancy journal. I am still living in the Bronx, but as of Sunday, October 4th, 2009, I will be heading back upstate to reside for the remainder of my pregnancy and birth of baby! I am so sad to be leaving the city-- NYC has been my home for the past 5 years almost, throughout all of college. I have learned so much from this city and from the people here. My eyes have been opened to a whole other world of possibilities other than what I was raised to know. I am so grateful to have had the opportunities I have had thus far. But one of the most important lessons I have learned for myself is that I do not ever wish to raise a family within the city. I feel that this is more of a place for young 20 something's searching for and following their dreams to stardom =) I'm not saying that my dreams have disappeared, but I now have to rearrange some of my dreams as this current dream of starting a family begins to become a reality. Eventually, I would like to move back closer to the city, but never as directly in it as I am now (unless of course, when I am rich and famous and can afford to have a flat in SoHo!) Haha... I feel that, right now, what I need most of all is a quite, relaxing place to be able to focus more on the positive in life. I have read that by 4 or 5 months, baby begins to build receptors for emotions based on how mommy is feeling. This means that if mommy is stressed out often, baby can be born with a heightened sense for stress, thus being stressed out more easily than calmer babies. I don't know how true this is, but it makes sense to me. Akeem has some family in the city, but the majority lives in Jamaica. All of my family, basically, lives in the upstate region on New York. So, to make things a bit easier, we have decided that being around my family more might help us out. We have agreed that at least once or twice a month we will visit the city for a weekend so that his family and our friends have a chance to bond with baby as well. Not only will it be more relaxing and will we be closer to family, but living is just, simply, easier upstate. Right now, we reside in a studio apartment, paying $850 a month! Although I have yet to find a specific apartment to move into upstate, I have been looking and have been able to price 2-bedroom apartments for approximately $650 a month or less. I tell you, paying rent upstate is going to feel like I'm cheating someone out of money somehow, after being used to the super high prices in the city! I am excited to get a car back again as well. After my car was crashed in 2007, I never bothered to get another one, because living in the city, not only could I hardly ever find parking, but I think I ended up paying more in parking tickets than I did for insurance monthly! And lets not even talk about when alternate side parking "allows" cars from the other side of the street to side park next to you while that side is being cleaned. If you have hopes of going anywhere and someone parks next to you, you are going to be taking public transportation, no if's and's or but's about it. There is nothing you can do to get your car out. Lol So, yes. I am ready to come back "home" for a while. =) So this week means packing for me! I really don't have much, since my apartment can't hold much as it is. My parents have agreed to let me reside in their house until Akeem and I know for sure where we will be heading to. Right now, it all depends on what school he is accepted to. He is looking at Oneonta and Albany, which ever one has the best Communications & Media Arts program, or something similar. The idea of moving upstate initially was actually his idea, believe it or not. Although I wasn't comfortable 100% with having a baby in the city, I was ready to be flexible with the idea and do my best. But one day, Akeem actually came to me and expressed his desire to move. He let me know that he would rather not raise his child here, if he had other choices. I was really proud of him, to say the least. He was really showing concern for me and our future, and I appreciated that. We set conditions. I told him I thought it would be an amazing idea, but that he should really transfer schools then, since I don't want him to give up on school just because we were having a baby. He said he had no problem doing that. My parents are being awesome and letting me stay with them until December when Akeem finishes up at his current school and can then move upstate. It all seems to be working out and falling into place, just as life usually seems to do. The only thing I am NOT looking forward to about moving back upstate.... WINTER!!! A snow day to NYC is 4 inches... a snow day to upstate NY is 4 feet! Haha All well, I survived it for this long... I suppose I can make it through =)

Okay, so lets move on to these nightmares I've been having. They began about two weeks ago, and have happened almost consistently every night since they've began. I woke from the first one literally crying into my pillow. Not just sobbing, but full on crying-- tears, snot, short of breath. The dream was about getting into a car accident with my little sister. In the dream, she was dying on the ground and although I had tried to do everything for her, I could still find no help. I knew she was going to die, so eventually I just laid down next to her to hold her. I began to cry in my dream, and that's when I woke up crying. It was so real, so intense that I had to say out loud to myself, it was just a dream. I tried to call my mom to make sure everything was okay, but she was working and didn't pick up. My sister was in school. And it took me a good three minutes to stop crying even after I had woke up. The next night, I had a dream that I was walking down the hill by my current apartment, and some girl was being hit by her boyfriend. All of her friends stood around her doing nothing! I eventually stepped in and tried to protect her, once she had already fallen to the ground. Her boyfriend got up in my face but never said anything to me. And I couldn't talk in that dream either. Eventually, this girls boyfriend left and she stood up and never thanked me at all, but just walked away. I started to see a pattern in my dreams. I always felt helpless to really solve the problem at hand, and I was always protecting a girl. I wondered if this could be a sign that I am going to have a baby girl! =) Initially, I felt like I was going to have a boy. Now I have no idea. I called mom to tell her about the dreams and she told me that I should go to her friend Corby to see if she can give me some insight to what these dreams mean. I never looked up the meaning to anything about the dream, but I did do some research on whether or not it is normal to be having dreams like this, and to my surprise I found out that not only is it normal, but very common for first trimester pregnancies. What information I was able t read explained to me that because of all of the changes with my hormones during the first three months, it is common to have nightmares depicting your fears or anxieties over your pregnancy. So, I wonder, does this mean I am afraid that I won't be able to protect my child? And I wonder why they always involve girls, never boys. I began recording my dreams and feelings about my dreams in a notebook, and since I've done that, they are beginning to go away. I think also that by just writing them down and getting them out helps me to focus on them less and less, so I'm not as worried about things anymore. This is the main reason I continue to write for this blog. I don't think there is anything more therapeutic than writing. Well, possibly living in someplace like Bora Bora for the rest of my life could match that feeling ;) But for now, I have to stick to writing =)

Baby's first gift!! Melissa bought the book "Where The Wild Things Are" for baby! =) Since the movie is coming out soon, they had the book on sale in Blockbuster so she picked it up, since she knew it was one of my all time favorites! Haha When she told me, I said, "They sell books in Blockbuster now?" I thought she just mixed up her stores, but I see she just found a good deal. Because of my love for reading and writing, I feel like books are going to be of utmost importance to me and baby. I look forward to reaching about 5 months and knowin that baby can hear me reading to him or her. Akeem has already promised to read and play music for baby while in mommy's tummy. I can't wait to read Harry Potter to baby!! =) Every day, I get more and more excited knowing that I have the ability to create and shape this human being inside of me into the greatest person I can possibly make him or her. Every day, the nerves subside more and more. Every day, I am more and more comfortable with the idea that I am going to be a MOMMY!!! Akeem and I always say to each other, at random times, "WE ARE GOING TO HAVE A BABY!!!" And then we smile and laugh at the idea. I am most excited to be able to watch baby grow and learn and play with daddy. Akeem is such a big goof ball... when I sit down and close my eyes, I can see him and his child playing and giggling and horsing around. I've never imagined something more beautiful. It often brings tears to my eyes. =) This really is going to be the best thing that ever happened to me; to us.

But, as I start to get emotional now just writing about it, I must end this post with this note: No matter what emotions I am going through at this point, or any point, please know that I do see this blessing for all that it is meant to be. In one post I left (and have now deleted) I think I confused my readers into thinking that I was worried so much to the point I was considering abortion. Never, since day one, have I seriously thought about aborting this child. I do worry sometimes that I may not be a good mom or even be ready for this, but I know that those are normal feelings, and I know that no matter what, one can never be fully ready for something so life changing to happen. No matter what I worry about, at the end of the day, when I lay down in bed and put my hand on my tummy, I believe that this is right, this is beautiful, and this is my future. Until next post, all my love!!