September 2, 2009 I went to E. 207th & Bainbridge in the Bronx to an EMC clinic. My period was supposed to have come on/around August 12. When it had not come yet by the last week in August, I decided it was probably time to go get things checked out. I was not really expecting to be pregnant however. My period in July was ten days late, and I was not pregnant. My period in June was five days late, and I was not pregnant. So I figured maybe my body was just going through some changes due to stress from my new job or thought maybe my cycle was just changing, since that is very possible. Around August 12, I was getting all the symptoms of my period; my breast were sore, I was moody/emotional, and I was having lower abdominal cramping. I really, honestly thought that my period would be on its way any day now. But for some reason still, I figured it was best to go get checked out, because even if I could rule out pregnancy, then I could at least see if anything was wrong with anything else. The woman at the clinic, Karen, was very sweet to me. She gave me a cup to pee in and sent me down the hall to the bathroom. For a Bronx clinic, it was very classy and, to my surprise, EMPTY! Only Karen and I were there. I almost got scared and thought this wasn't a reputable place! Haha As I sat and waited to be called for my appointment, I googled the clinic on my phone to check reviews. Everyone who had been here seemed to really like the service. My nerves calmed a bit. Once I peed in the cup and brought it back to Karen's office, she handed me a little dropper and told me to fill the circle to the brim on the pregnancy test she had set up on her desk. I did this with a shaky hand. As we waited for the results to appear, she had me go back to the bathroom and dispose of the unused urine and wash my hands. This helped take away from the dramatic moments of sitting there focused on the test as it did its thing. When I came back to her office, she was filling out a sheet and told me to look at the test and the instructions next to it. She had a big smile on her face. I clearly saw the instructions saying that one line means negative (not pregnant), two lines is a positive (pregnant!) I then glanced over at my test, and low and behold, two lines were strong and present! PREGNANT!! Ok, (deep breath, fighting back tears) I had to face this. Immediately too many emotions crossed my mind to even be able to recall exactly how I felt at that moment, but it is probably safe to say, confused and scared were two of the most prominent feelings. I did not know what to think, do, say... Karen told me approximately how far along I was (7 weeks, 3 days... which my first sonogram (September 15, 2009) proved was too far... Karen had over estimated my progress by two weeks!) She told me, based on how far she assumed I was, that my due date was April 13, 2010. Pause.......... that is my anniversary with my boyfriend, and father of this child, Dean (Akeem)! A sign, I thought. God planned this. (But then again, doesn't he plan everything?) At that moment, I became more sure than ever that this was supposed to be happening. It wasn't really the "right" time for me, but this was the right time. This was how it was supposed to be. I felt like things were falling into place; it was starting to make a slight bit more sense. Karen asked me what I was feeling, thinking, planning. She asked if I would keep the child. We talked about the abortion I had when I was 18. I almost cried, but I didn't want to look that vulnerable. I was able to hold it in.... until I got home that is. Karen was really awesome at making me feel in total control of my life in a moment where I felt I couldn't be any less out of control. I really appreciate that she was there for me. He positive outlook really helped me to understand that this was not the end of everything as I knew it. I thank God for Karen. She was there for a reason, I believe.
So, now came the time to go home. Since Dean was away at school, I had a tough decision to make in regards with how exactly to break this news to him. I really wanted him to be home when I told him so I could be there for his reaction, and just because this is a very personal moment I wanted to share with him. But I knew I would not be able to wait until the weekend to tell him. So I called him. And called him. And called him. He wasn't picking up. Great. I just wanted to tell someone already, but I really wanted him to be the first to know. As I was walking home, I finally got in touch with him. I apologized for blowing up his phone (he told me he was in class... whoops!) It was just that I had something really big to tell him... "So," I said, "Can I start calling you 'Baby Daddy'?" Not the most inventive or romantic way to tell someone they are possibly about to be a father, but it kind of came out like blahhh. I didn't know how else to say it. It took him a few moments to say anything, but once he did, I could here the smile in his voice. Another wave of relief for me. I think, form the moment I found out I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to keep this child. I was just worried what the world would think about me. I was worried how people would react. I was afraid my family and friends would be disappointed, ashamed, upset for some reason. But deep down, I knew that I would want to keep this child, no matter what. So, to hear that Dean was smiling, made me feel so much better for some reason.
Once I told Dean about it, I was able to call my best friend Melly, and tell her. She, on the other hand, did not take the news too well. She was in the Library at her school when I called. She knew I was going to get the test done, so she knew this phone call would be the results. When I confirmed that I was indeed pregnant, she began to cry. She blamed me for not protecting myself, claiming that she's going to lose her best friend now. She called me a hypocrite because I would always tell her, don't get pregnant, finish school, follow your dreams. This was really tough to deal with. Melly means the whole wide world to me. If I didn't have her in my life, I don't know if I would have made it through half of the stuff I have growing up. We ended the phone call, me with a sick feeling in my stomach. What was I going to do? Eventually, when she calmed down, she called me back. She apologized for overreacting and getting so upset. She ultimately expressed that she was happy for me, she was just shocked. I understood her top to bottom. But, man, what a relief to here her voice again, not crying. She told me no matter what she would be here for me and this child, and that she supports any decision I make. I had a feeling she would come around. But, I was not prepared for her to have been so upset initially.
Over the next few weeks came the part of telling my family and friends. This was more difficult than I thought. Some of my family members took it better than others. Some were disappointed in me. They feel, for some reason, that I am throwing away my life, my dreams, my aspirations. I think that the color of Dean's skin is a small issue to a few of my family members. I heard it all, from I am too young to this will be too much responsibility. Some told me they don't believe I am ready to handle this. Some even expected that this means I am looking for handouts of certain material things, such as a car or money. I was really hurt by certain reactions. I was shocked that so many hateful things could be said by my own flesh and blood. I will admit, I really let it get to me for a bit. But, things calmed down, and slowly, everyone is beginning to accept the facts. Everything is falling into place.
The majority of my family is happy and excited for me. A lot of the women in my family have had children at a young age as well, and all of them have thus far been successful in their own eyes, and that to me is all the strength I need. I know that I will have all the love and support I need from those who want to participate in this time in my life. My mother is excited, I think a bit more than she leads on to be. This is, after all, her very first grandbaby! =) I am sure she is concerned if I can handle this or not, but she never showed her doubts. She has been supportive since the moment I told her (as I cried hysterically on the phone to her.) She told me that she feels as if she has to grow up now. If anything, I think this might make her feel young again. I hope it will at least. My sister is excited to be an aunt! And has already expressed to me that she is an excellent baby sitter, she just won't change diapers! Haha I told her to name her price... I am still waiting on an estimate. =)
So, I know this post is super long. I just wanted to record the beginning first. This is how the ball got rolling, I guess you can say. There is plenty more to add, however that all deserves another post and another date. For now, I will leave you with this. Still to come, my first sonogram, baby's first gift, the trials and tribulations of morning sickness and all the wonderful changes to my body!! Haha And the nightmares! Oh what nightmares I've been having!! So stay tuned for more, more, more! Until next post, all my love.
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